Miscarraige:  The 1st Miscarraige    The 2nd Miscarraige Diary of my 2nd Miscarraige
Infertility:    The beginning          Problems                       Currently
Pregnancy after Miscarriage:  Our Diary  Due 3/26/00  Delivery planned for early February
 

THE 1st MISCARRAIGE

I have to say I was only 19 when this happened, I didn't even know I was pregnant.  I knew something was wrong I had been cramping for days and started spotting.  I went home and had my mother came with me to the Dr.
The exam was painful, I lay there with tears in my eyes while this Dr. jerked at me and kept hurting me even though I told him it was hurting.  His comment was "If you would just loosen up!"  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound, went home only to be called back for another.  I was told to call my Dr. in the morning.  Instead I was called and told to go for another ultrasound at 10am.  By 4:30 the Dr.s office called me to come in.  I was greeted by the nurse, not the Dr.  and told "it seems you had an ectopic pregnancy but it has taken care of itself, you also have some ovarian cysts you will need to follow up with a doctor in 3 months."  I had no idea what had just happened but I knew it wasn't right.

I went to another Dr. 3 months later, only this time it was a specialist.  I brought my records for her so she could tell me what happened.  She explained that the baby was in the opening of my tubes and I was lucky enough to have lost it that way than to have lost my tubes if the pregnancy progressed.  She then told me we would have to keep an eye on the ovarian cysts that they didn't get too large.  She could not help me with what had already happened but offered to help from that point on.

THE 2nd MISCARRAIGE
This experience was I believe one of the most devastating I have ever been through.  Even now I can't think about it without it really hurting and tears coming to my eyes.  I hope that with time it will get better.  I do know that talking to people who have been through this helps.  I still can't get those words out of my head though... "I can't visualize a baby in the uterus".  I think if I am ever to get lucky enough to get pregnant again that 1st ultrasound will be the hardest...I'm frightened that the same words will be said again.  I'm finally getting over the feeling that God must hate me, but I still can't accept it when someone says "It's for the best, there was probably something wrong with the baby" or "It was God's will".  I bite my tongue and realize that most the people saying this haven't been through this or they wouldn't be saying it.  I do believe there is a reason it happened but I choose not to believe either of those statements.

Diary:

November 10, 1998:  My period is late and we decide to take a home pregnancy test, which shows a faint line.  We decide to wait a little longer and I have my period 3 days later.

December 11, 1998:  My period isn't really late again but my breasts are enlarged and very sore & I have been sick around 5am for the past 2 weeks so again we decide to take a test.  This time the line is there again except it is much larger and darker.  After 7 years of trying we just can't believe it, we are so excited but decide to wait until we have it confirmed at a Dr.s office.

December 14, 1998:  It is confirmed we are definitely pregnant, how far along we are unsure given the November test with the faint line.  We will have to wait for a ultrasound to find out how far along.  We are assuming we are close to around 2 months.

December 18, 1998:  I started bleeding last night and cramping.  Had to wait for the Dr.s office to open this morning to be told to get there ASAP.  While in the office another pregnancy test is done and then an exam, I am bleeding more now and it's not normal.  My Dr. decides we need to do a vaginal ultrasound which can be done in the office.  The next thing out of my Dr.s mouth is something I would never wish on anyone "Amy, I'm sorry but I can't visualize a baby in the uterus."  30 minutes on a table trying to find a baby in my uterus or anywhere and not being able to visualize my left tube or ovary.  I have adhesions and they are too thick to view everything she needs to see.  3 vials of blood are taken and I am sent home to be bedridden until Monday when I will return to have more blood drawn for my HCG levels.

December 21, 1998:  I return for another HCG level, they still don't have the results from my other test so I will need to wait.  They will call me on Wednesday.  Had to have blood drawn out of both arms because they think I have a ectopic pregnancy and need to check my liver functions to make sure they can put me on Methodextrate (a chemotherapy drug which will absorb the baby).  I am nervous about taking this, what if they make a mistake and I am pregnant?  Won't it make me sick?  Doesn't it interfere with my future chances at getting pregnant.  I DON'T want to do that!  I am still bleeding.

December 23, 1998:  I wait until 2pm and finally call my Dr. only to find out that she is off and will call tomorrow.  I am still bleeding.

December 24, 1998:  I get the much dreaded call, only it's not from my Dr. but her partner (she is in an emergency).  I have lost the baby.  My HCG levels are too low and they are dropping, just not as fast as they should.  They are now 38.  I am to come back the 1st week of January to check the levels again and make sure they are 0 and see my Dr. again.  My Dr. calls me later in the afternoon and apologizes for not calling herself but she wanted to check on me.  I am still bleeding.

January 5, 1999:  I return to my Dr. for a follow-up visit and for another HCG.  I am told that I cannot get pregnant until a hysterosalpingogram (Dye Study) is done.  She feels that my tubes are blocked and I will go through this again unless they do the procedure next month to clear me.  I am to call her in 2 days and see where my levels are, if they are 0 then we will plan on having my "Dye Study" done after I start my cycle.   I am still bleeding.

January 7, 1999:  I call my Dr. to find out my levels still aren't 0, we are now at 19.  I will have to return for another HCG January 18.  I am still bleeding.

January 18, 1999:  Returned for another HCG, told my Dr. that I think I started my cycle.  She informed me that because my levels aren't going down like they should I will have to wait until my 2nd cycle to have the hysterosalpingogram done.

January 19, 1999:  Got a call from my Dr., my levels are now to 10.  She wants me to have one more test done in a week.

January 26, 1999:  Another HCG.

January 27, 1999:  My Dr. called to tell me my levels are now at 5.4.  She is going to clear me now because anything a 5.0 and lower is considered a 0.  I am now cleared to have the hysterosalpingogram done once I start my next cycle.  She has told me that she will either clear me or if her suspicions are right they may have to remove one or both of my tubes.  If this is done the only way to get pregnant is IVF, something our insurance doesn't cover.

Infertility:

The Beginning
After getting pregnant very easily as a teen I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant again.  My husband and I started trying to get pregnant right away in 1991.  After 6 months of trying and always being disappointed when my periods were late and I wasn't pregnant I decided to see my Doctor.  We had every lab test possible done to find out if there was a problem.  It came back that my hormones were severely out of range and I wasn't ovulating.  I had to have a CAT scan done to see if I had a tumor on my pituitary glad before they would procede with any therapy.  Once the results came back of no tumors I was put on one months birth control to be taken in a week's time, to "jump start" my cycle as my Dr. called it.  After being on the pills more testing was done and a month later I was put on a fertility pill that I was never given the name.  I was sick most the time of taking the pill and we decided not to pursue that avenue.  The next was to try the post-coital testing to see if my body was rejecting my husbands sperm.  After discussing it we decided to stop there and keep trying until we were ready to go to that extent of testing.  We continued to try but didn't worry about it as much.

Problems
In August of 1994 I started to have more problems, my periods were on a 36+ day cycle and were very heavy.  I started having cramping even when I wasn't on my period and diarrhea had started.  My Dr. suspected possible Endometriosis.  A Laparoscopy was done to find out if it was Endometriosis or something else.  The 1-hour surgery turned into 3 hours, it wasn't Endometriosis.  I had severe scarring & adhesions from my diaphram to my cervix to my liver (causing a liver infection) and basically all over, my tubes were also blocked.  They removed as much of the adhesions as they could, as well as the scarring aroud the tubes and flushing them to be sure they were clear.  I was told that everything was fine and I could start trying to get pregnant once I was ready.  And so we continued.

Currently

Summer 1999
We are still trying, it seems some months I clearly ovulate and some I may not be.  My Dr. has offered to have me try Clomid to see if it will help.  My husband is worried about a multiple birth so we are putting it off.  I tried the Ovulation kit in May because it worked for me last November.  I am several days late but a home test is negative.  I am feeling discouraged, I am 29 almost 30 and I know it's young but I feel like if it hasn't happened in all this time it may never.  I will try Herbs to help in this next month to see if that will help.

July 25, 1999
Today is the edd for our last miscarraige, it's funny today should be an awful day for me.  I should be depressed yet I'm anxious...  I am late for my period.  I know it's silly because my last one was 1 week early after the prior period being late.  I feel like my body is completely out of whack.  My husband and I will go to the store this afternoon to get a pregnancy test and we will test either this evening or tomorrow.

July 26, 1999
The test last night was positive, we tested again this morning and it was still positive.  I don't know why I thought that it could be negative after a positive.  I guess anything is possible.  I am nervous now, what if I don't make it through the next month, what if I lose the baby again?  Can I deal with it?  Will this make my husband not want to try anymore?

August 11, 1999
Today I should've seen my Dr.  I had to cancel and change to another Dr. because I found out this one will only deliver at the birthing center which isn't an option we want.  My new appt. w/my new Dr. will be on August 23.  The good thing is he's more experienced and also specializes in high risk pregnancies & infertility.  I'm getting more excited, I haven't had any cramping or bleeding.  I'm hopeful.

August 23, 1999
I saw my Dr. today as well as his partner.  They did an ultrasound and we saw the baby and heartbeat... I cried.  I was so worried they wouldn't see the baby like last time.  I could've hugged the Dr. right then!  We were given an edd of  3/26/00.  We are still considered at risk so I will see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.  We will be seeing my Dr.s partner instead because we will be having ultrasounds done frequently.

September 13, 1999
I visited family in Missouri this weekend, have been starting to show & pants are tight so I went maternity clothes shopping.  I'm wondering if my edd may be wrong, I'm much larger than I thought I would be and I also felt movement while on the airplane back.  I will discuss this with my Dr. at our next visit.  I'm still afraid every day and I can't seem to use the bathroom without having to check for blood.  Sometimes I feel like I go just so I can check and be sure.  It's almost funny because I didn't realize it until lately that when everything looks ok I let out a loud "Whew!!".

September 14, 1999
Dr. visit today and I've lost weight, only 2 pounds, but I can't believe it when I'm getting so much bigger.  I mentioned the flutterings I've been feeling and my Dr. said since this isn't our 1st pregnancy it's very likely.  We had another ultrasound and Dr. saw something strange so he decided to go to the vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look.  I saw the strange thing too...  I was too busy looking for the heartbeat and it wasn't where the baby was, it was much further above him.  I asked the Dr. about it and his comment "What?  Do you think there's two babies in there?"  with a very big grin I might add.  He then left the room with us in shock while I had to get undressed.  He came back in for the vaginal US and sure enough there were 2... TWO  babies there!  It was the most beautiful - miraculous thing I've ever seen.  My husband had to sit down and I just cried the whole time letting it all sink in.  These of course were happy tears.  We watched while the babies played, they were touching hands... it was so beautiful!  We were informed that the babies share the same sac, this makes us a high risk throughout the entire pregnancy.  We will have to be even more careful.  I am happy but afraid.  We will see our Dr. again on Sept. 28, another ultrasound will be done and he will make sure there isn't a 3rd baby hiding in there.

September 29
Our visit went great.  I have lost another 1/2 pound but Dr. says they will catch up in the next couple of  months.  I feel bad about it because I've been eating more & also healthier.  We were given the info on TriScreen (AFP, HCG & uE3 tests) and will have that done on our next visit.  Dr. said we *may* be able to tell the sex on our next visit too :o) Fingers crossed to find out :o)  This ultrasound didn't show a membrane so Dr. says they are still monoamniotic.  We have been restricted to walking as my only exercise although he did say it's ok for me to use a stationary bike as long as I don't get hot or overdo it.  Next visit is October 12.
 

October 12
Another great visit!  The babies have gotten so big they can no longer measure the crown-rump length, so our Dr. measured their heads.  We didn't get to find out a sex but may at our next ultrasound on Oct. 26.  Still no membrane seen.  We are now 16 weeks and my uterus is the size of a 20+ week single pregnancy.  Sorry no pics available on the ultrasound... they were too big!!

October 20
Went in to see Dr. for an unscheduled visit.  It seems I have a throat infection and am now taking antibiotics.  My Dr. went ahead and measured my uterus again and it is now the size of a 25 week single pregnancy!!  I can't believe we've grown that fast!  We also listened to the heartbeats and they were 144 & 148.  The AFP came back normal!!  Whew!

October 26

Ultrasound Day!!  It lasted 1 hour and went great!!  The babies are measuring one day apart and look to have Rowdy's sloped nose :o)  They confirmed the babies are definitely identical and girls!!  No membrane was found so we are still monoamniotic.  Next visit November 8.

November 8
Our 20 week visit, our uterus is the size of a 27 week single pregnancy.  The babies are doing well, their heartbeats are 150 & 140.  The results of the ultrasound were good, they have informed us that baby A is the dominant one and now transverse.  Of course we already knew she was the dominant one since they were unable to get a pic of Baby B without Baby A in it!! LOL  We are getting closer to the heavier monitoring.  In December we start our weekly visits and they will turn into twice weekly mid-January.  Our high-level ultrasounds are to now be monthly and in January they will turn weekly.  Once we hit 30 weeks we will go to the hospital twice weekly for fetal stress monitoring.  Our Dr. will not let us deliver past 38 weeks so we are shooting for 37 and hoping we can deliver on March 9th which is Rowdy's mothers birthday.  We were given all the scenarios for what could happen in a vaginal delivery with monoamniotic twins and have decided that C-section is definitely the way to go, our Dr. agrees.

November 22
Our 22 week visit!!  I'm not sure if I'm getting absent minded or what but I forgot to ask on the size of our uterus today... all I know is it's way up there now, under my ribs actually.  Blood pressure was great!  We found out our favorite Dr. in the practice is gone (something to do with a contract dispute) and that's dissappointed us a bit but I guess it happens.  We have asked about a specialist for the pregnancy but it was waived off.  Everything else looks good and we for another ultrasound next week!

November 30
Our 23 week ultrasound and it has been a mess!  First the receptionist tried to schedule us in Frisco which isn't where my  Dr.s have been wanting us to go.  When I tried to tell her Vail she said she'd have to get back to us, I told her to call us on our mobile since we'll be out of town until Sunday for Thanksgiving.  She never called us & we got home to find out she scheduled us in Vail on Friday (after thanksgiving while we were still in MO).  I
got rescheduled for today and found out that they didn't give us enough time... the tech needs 2 hours with twins and they only gave us an hour.  We ended up having the ultrasound last only 35 min. and found out the babies were discordant in growth, one measured due for 4/4 and the other for 4/16.  We're not sure the difference on the weight and such so we're waiting for our Dr. to get the results before we start panicking too much which is what I seemed to do after we left from the ultrasound.

The good news is that we're moving to Missouri this month to be closer to family and better medical care.  We plan on seeing a Perinatologist and be able to deliver at a hospital with a level III NICU which is much better than what we have here.  The girls are moving & kicking like crazy so all we're doing now is waiting and  praying they'll be ok.

December 7
This one was a quickie :o)  Not much to tell since we didn't go over  much, I will be seeing my new High Risk OB in Missouri next Week and we'll see what he says, my Dr. here in Colorado doesn't think it's necessary for me to see a Perinatologist.  We have decided to ask our new Dr. what he thinks.  Dr. did tell me to expect to have these girls early... especially if they don't grow like they should.  We are now in a higher risk.  Got our medical records to take with us to  Missouri and found out entanglement was seen at our 1st high level ultrasound at 18 weeks, something else to watch out for.

December 14
Spent 2 1/2 hours at the new OB's office.  We were informed that this pregnancy is too high a risk for him to care for us (he's a High Risk OB) and that we should've been seeing a Perinatologist (something I asked our other Dr. about).  The good news was he already made the call and we'll be seeing our new Dr. a Perinatologist next week.  The girls are now measuring 11 days apart, there is entanglement but they appear to be ok.  I still am feeling great other than the heartburn :o)

December 22
This one is a long one!!  Madison (baby A) is 1 1/2 pounds and Sydney (baby B) is 1 pound.  They are measuring almost 2 weeks off from each other (their heads measure 2 days off but their bellies & femurs are noticeably different just by looking) but our Dr. isn't worrying about that so much as they are definitely without a doubt monoamniotic and the cords are entwined and knotted.  They will deliver the girls anytime from our 32nd week to the 34th week... it will depend on when amnio says their lungs are mature enough to handle being born and also if nothing bad happens before then.  So we are looking at delivery anytime from January 30th to February 13th.

Our new specialist wants to see me weekly now, and do ultrasounds at each visit, though they will be more intense (looking at weight & organs) every other week.  They think that physically I am doing great but the girls are at a double risk and they made it VERY clear that we have a 50% chance of losing one or both of them.  When I make it to 30 weeks I will go in twice a week for them to watch the girls and make the quick decision (if needed) to deliver right away if one of them is in trouble or if we lose one.  They told us today that if one dies inside the toxins can cause damage (mostly brain) to the surviving twin and they want to make sure we have the best possible chance of them both making it.  I knew the risk we were in but it really hit home today when he said "To be blunt with you it's like these girls are sitting on a busy road and we're just hoping they don't get hit by a passing car."  That's a pretty graphic image of how risky things are.  He did give us good news that if we can get past these next 2 weeks things will be looking up and the girls will have a good chance of making it as long as we deliver before 34 weeks.  He even said if they both continue to grow (if they don't they'll take them earlier in like 2-4 weeks) and we can make it to 34 weeks then it's possible the girls will only be in NICU for a couple days and could go home with me!!  That gives me hope and it's what I'm clinging to.    I really like this Dr. alot... the first thing he asked us was if we picked names and which one did we want to call which... we decided right then which name belonged to baby A & B and he referred to their names throughout our conversation.  It was nice to have them refer to our girls by their names and not "the babies" or "Baby A & Baby B", it's like they consider them human beings now :o)

I can't tell you how much I want these girls and how much of a blessing I see them as... if I can just make it through these next 5-7 weeks and things be ok... that's all I'm praying and hoping for.  Rowdy was supposed to be in Colorado through most of January but he now will be working from home after the 1st of the year, our Dr. said he needs to stay close in case anything happens.  He has been great I love him so much!!

Both girls are breech now and I can feel them kicking me (or each other) every night (all night) and most the day!!

December 29
Had our biophysical profile today, they seemed to focus quite a bit on the hearts and mentioned polyhydramnios which is something that happens with TTS (Twin-to-twin Transfusion Syndrome) however, I'm not sure how it affects the girls since they are in the same sac.  It's something I'll have to ask about at our next visit.  Madison was stretched out and doing her aerobics while Sydney was curled up in a ball sleeping.  They couldn't get a good view of all angles of Madison's heart because she didn't want to hold
still... though we did get to see her roll around for us when they made her move for them :o)  Sydney woke up long enough to give Madison a swift kick and then curled up so that no one could get her picture (must've been a bad hairday *S*).  We're still keeping positive and holding out for next week when we find out their  weights and if they've grown anymore.  Fingers are crossed for a gain in size & weight... we don't want to have to deliver them at 29 weeks!  Had my glucose test, just waiting to hear if it was good or bad... was told no news is good news so for the time being it looks like I passed the test.